


Enough

by TheMightyFlynn



Series: Moments Between and After [4]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Blood and Injury, Broken Bones, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Character Death, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-13 10:49:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28902177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMightyFlynn/pseuds/TheMightyFlynn
Summary: After Ashley's death on Virmire, John has to deal with the aftermath for not only himself, but Kaidan as well.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko & Male Shepard
Series: Moments Between and After [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1653547
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	Enough

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously set literally just after Virmire. It was the [Snowflake_Challenge](https://snowflake-challenge.dreamwidth.org/) that prompted me to write this. Go check them out! :)

John slumped onto the bed in the tiny Captain's quarters on the Normandy. His head landed in his hands as his breath shuddered through him. Breathe. _Breathe_. He couldn't breathe.

His chest tightened and his hands clenched. Wishing that he had bothered taking the time to grow his hair simply so he could currently rip it out, he resisted the urge to smash his fist into the wall.

He was burning up. Or freezing. He couldn't really tell. Didn't care, either.

_Twenty-five. She is only twenty-five._

"Was." His voice was rough, strained. "She _was_ twenty-five."

Voicing it aloud didn't make what he had done any better. Ash was never going to see twenty-six, and it was all his fault.

It had been necessary. _Correct_. Kirrahe had needed a soldier to assist his team, and a tech specialist to set the bomb off. Ashley had been the best choice to go with them. She didn't have the skills to set the bomb off; not like Kaidan did.

The bomb had to be his priority. That had been his mission: see the bomb set off, no matter what. The mission wouldn't have gone off as well as it had done if Ash hadn't been with the salarians, he knew that.

"Commander?"

John's chest and stomach clenched. His shoulders tensed. He couldn't _breathe_.

"Commander? We have an… issue."

Taking deep breaths – only just managing to not begin hyperventilating – he forced himself to stand. "What is it, Joker?"

"Could you… ah, I'd rather not say over the comm system. Meet me in the mess?"

John frowned. Joker never wanted to actually meet him anywhere on the ship. Too difficult, he said, and John believed him. He took a few seconds to try to compose himself, taking a few more deep breaths and forcing himself to unclench both his hands and jaw. When he figured it was the best he could manage, he moved out through to the mess, arriving just as Joker descended the stairs.

"It's Alenko, sir."

John's eyes slid shut as his jaw automatically clenched again. This was going to be just as tough on Kaidan as it was on him, he knew. Hell, they would _all_ be in serious need of some counseling when this was all over. He nodded slowly before re-opening his eyes. Joker was standing before him with such strong sympathy in his eyes that John had to look away. He couldn't afford to give in to anything like that; not right now, anyway.

"Where is he?"

"Shower block."

Pressing his lips together, he nodded again. With a ship this small, it was difficult to find places to have a quiet breakdown. Kaidan must have known he was going to be found eventually. John placed a hand gently on Joker's shoulder as he passed, heading further back into the living quarters.

"Thanks, Joker."

Thankfully, there wasn't a lineup waiting to use the showers. The door, however, was locked. With a deep sigh, John set to decrypting the lock. It didn't take long.

"That was locked for a reason."

"And now it's re-locked."

"You're on the wrong side."

John couldn't help the small smile he gave. Kaidan sounded… exhausted, to be honest. Steam issued from the shower furthest from where John stood. Walking slowly, he moved so he was leaning against the wall across from where Kaidan was standing. John shook his head.

Kaidan was still fully clothed; hadn't even bothered to change out of the fatigues he had dragged on for the mission debriefing. Leaning forward, his hands rested on the wall in front of him. The water hit his shoulders and ran down, drenching his clothing and pooling in his boots. John could see the tension in him even before he moved. Glancing over his shoulder, his nose and eyes crinkled in a glare.

"I want to be alone."

"I can't allow that, Alenko. You should know that."

Steam huffed from Kaidan's nose as he scoffed. "I'm not suicidal, if that's what you're looking for."

He turned his back on John again, clenching his hands against the tiled wall. There was nothing John could say to make this better, he knew. Kaidan had lived and Ashley had died. And it had all been down to _his_ decision. That was one of the drawbacks of being in command: making the life-or-death decisions. His jaw clenched again and his throat tightened. Swallowing against the hardening lump in his stomach, he let out a soft breath.

"It was the correct decision."

He kept his voice low, but there was an unintentional intensity to it. He had been over and over this in his mind since the second he had made the call. He _knew_ it had been the correct decision to make, according to Alliance guidelines. The bomb had been the mission, and Kaidan was of higher rank than Ash. It had been the _correct_ decision.

"It wasn't _right_ , Shepard."

And that was what pulled him up. Ash was only twenty-five. She had her whole life ahead of her. But then, Kaidan– John thumped his fist against the tiles behind him as he felt himself slipping back into the circle he had been going around for the past hour.

"Right and wrong don't play a part in this, Kaidan, and you know it. It was the _correct_ decision."

John's gaze dropped to Kaidan's feet. Braced shoulder-width apart, they slid on the tiles as he watched. It took a second for John to realize that was because Kaidan was moving. Raising his head, he was just in time to recognize the movement Kaidan was making. Bracing himself for the blow, John twisted just enough to make sure it wouldn't knock him out.

Bones crunched. Blood poured. John hit the deck with a dull thud, his nose spouting blood at an alarming rate. His eyes immediately began to stream with tears. Pain bloomed from his nose, cheeks, and mouth. Gingerly probing with his tongue, he made certain that Kaidan hadn't managed to knock his teeth loose.

_At least now there's a physical reason you can't breathe, idiot._

"Feel better?"

"Fuck you."

John glanced up. He didn't make a move to stand; didn't think his legs would hold him at that moment, anyway. Kaidan stood over him, his features still twisted in a grimace.

"She was just a kid. You had _no right_ –"

"To make the command decision?" He sounded like he had a cold, his nose stuffed and voice deep and heavy with exhaustion. Blood dripped down the back of his throat, causing him to hack it up and spit it on the shower floor. "To make the call that no one else on that battlefield had the training or right to make? _That_ right?"

Kaidan's hands clenched by his sides. John found himself thankful that he was still on the floor, as he knew that taking a second blow would probably lay him out properly.

"She deserved to live."

"And you don't?"

"She has a family."

"And you don't?"

"She…" Kaidan's voice cracked. He shook his head. "Fuck it."

Turning, Kaidan returned to the shower. This time when he placed his hands on the back wall, John could make out the cuts and scrapes that came with breaking someone's nose on his knuckles. This is what he focused on as he thought of what to say next. Kaidan was obviously not going to believe a word he said. A small trickle of blood ran down Kaidan's hand, causing John to wonder whether he had broken a knuckle. As if that mattered at that point. Since Kaidan was clearly not going to care what he did at that point, he gave himself leave to focus on himself for a few minutes.

Placing a hand gingerly on his jaw, he worked it side-to-side, checking whether there was damage to anything beyond his nose. There was pain, but nothing to cause him any alarm. With great effort, he shoved himself back against the wall. Reaching up, he turned the water on and tilted his face upwards into the stream, rinsing the blood from his face. The warmth of the water was comforting, helping to calm him a little.

"That was a nice shot."

His voice was still low, but John couldn't bring himself to care. Another huffed breath drew his attention back to Kaidan.

"I'd've knocked you out if you hadn't flinched."

Scoffing, John shook his head, despite knowing Kaidan wouldn't see him. "You telegraphed it. I _adjusted_ ; I didn't flinch."

Shifting his weight, Kaidan flicked the water of his shower off and turned to face John. His chest rose and fell rapidly with his breaths, and his eyes… John's stomach clenched. There was a torment there; a wildness that he had never seen before. Kaidan crossed his arms.

"Is it broken?"

John nodded. "Yeah."

"Good."

Swiping at the tears that refused to stop streaming, John scoffed. "Really fucking hurts as well, if that makes it any better?"

Kaidan gave a one-shouldered shrug. "It does, yeah."

Pushing off from the wall, he crossed the room to kneel in front of John. Reaching up, John turned the water off, removing his one source of vague comfort. Kaidan's eyes narrowed as he stared at John's face.

"Don't move."

John closed his eyes as Kaidan's omni-tool lit up. He knew that the shot of medi-gel he was about to receive wasn't going to heal the broken bones, but it would remove the pain, at the very least. Some of the tension in his muscles released as the pain left him, and he let out a quiet sigh of relief. He kept his eyes closed for a few seconds as he felt Kaidan land on the floor next to him.

"Don't apologize."

"I wasn't going to."

They were silent for a few seconds, just sitting there in the shower block. The chaos in John's mind hadn't really calmed yet, but knowing that he wasn't alone in it seemed to be going a little way to helping him get through it. He reopened his eyes when Kaidan elbowed him in the ribs.

"What's the punishment for knocking your CO on his ass?"

"Cleaning the head with a toothbrush comes to mind."

"Harsh."

"But fair."

John glanced over when Kaidan huffed out an amused sound. Water dripped from his hair, which was plastered to his scalp. _Not gel_ , his mind supplied the answer to the question both he and Joker had voiced. Shaking his head, John smiled. Well, as much as was possible, at least.

"Chakwas isn't going to be happy with me."

"Is she ever?"

"Maybe not with _you_. She likes _me_."

Kaidan's responding chuckle sent warmth through John. He glanced over to catch the crinkle of Kaidan's eyes as he smiled. He didn't get to enjoy it long, however, as Kaidan pushed himself to his feet. He offered John his hand, pulling him up into a standing position, then immediately releasing him.

"Shepard?" Kaidan waited until John met his eyes. "Thanks."

Raising an eyebrow, John fell into step with Kaidan as they made their way to the door. "For what? I didn't do anything."

_Other than get knocked on my ass._

Kaidan shrugged. "You were here. That's enough."

John smiled as they separated outside the shower block. Even if he had had no idea what he was doing, it seemed as though he had managed to help. Now all he had to do was work out what to tell Chakwas about his nose.


End file.
